Beyond "Getting Over It": Using ACT to Navigate LGBTQ+ Loss

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has many practical applications, and coping with loss is one of the most powerful. When we hit the toughest moments in life, this approach can help us find our footing again.

Loss has a way of making the world feel like it’s tilted on its axis. Whether it’s the passing of a long-time partner, the loss of a chosen family member who truly "got" you, or the adjustment following a new medical diagnosis, our first instinct is almost always the same: Resistance. It can't be. If only I could undo it. We try to out-think our sadness, out-work our fatigue, or white-knuckle our way through the day.

The Heavy Armor of Survival

For decades, many of us in the LGBTQ+ community have had to wear heavy armor to survive in a world that wasn't always kind. We became experts at being "the strong one." That armor protected us. But when you are sitting in a quiet room grieving a partner or a change in your own health, that heavy armor doesn't protect you anymore—it just weighs you down. It makes us feel like we should be over it by now, or we should be more capable, turning a natural sadness into a heavy, layer of exhaustion. Suddenly, we aren't just sad—we are suffering because we are fighting the fact that we are sad.

The Problem-Solving Mind in Overdrive

Most of us have a "Problem-Solving Mind" that is incredibly skilled. It’s the part of you that led you to success in your career, helped you organize community events, and managed life's logistics. It is a tool designed to fix problems: if the roof leaks, you call a roofer; if you're short on rent, you find extra work.

The trouble starts when we inappropriately apply this "fixer" mindset to situations that are fundamentally out of our control. Your mind treats grief like a broken appliance. It starts churning through the "If onlys..." and the "I should have been there to..." cycles. It tries to problem-solve its way out of the pain.

When we spend too much time in this cycle, we get stuck trying to edit the past. This doesn't fix the grief; it only reinforces unhelpful expectations of our own energy and ignores the reality of our human limits.

The Beach Ball Effect

Think of heavy emotions like a beach ball in a swimming pool. Your Problem-Solving Mind tells you that the ball shouldn't be there, so you try to push it under the water. You use all your strength to keep it submerged, hoping it will disappear if you hold it long enough.

First, it takes incredible energy to keep it underwater; you’re so busy pushing down that you can't actually swim or enjoy the sun. Second, the moment your grip slips, that ball rockets to the surface, splashing you and everyone else around you.

The exhaustion you feel isn't just from the loss itself; it’s from the effort of trying to keep the ball submerged. In ACT, we suggest a radical alternative: Let the ball float. Once you stop fighting it, your hands are finally free to start moving through the water again. This is the acceptance principle in ACT.

Acceptance is Not Giving Up

When I talk about "acceptance," I am not saying "it is what it is" in a dismissive way. I am certainly not suggesting we just accept injustices like transphobia or homophobia.

The thing is, when we spend all our energy trying to avoid or control things that suck, we inadvertently drain our energy and reduce our awareness of the present moment. True acceptance doesn't mean liking or condoning what you went through. It simply means acknowledging that something is painful, so you can stop wasting energy trying to change what cannot be changed. It takes us out of the control loop and gives us back our energy and choice—which can feel a little lighter.

Awareness as a Choice

If the first step is letting the beach ball float, the second step is noticing why we wanted to push it down in the first place. I often tell my clients: "When we are aware, then we have a choice." Before we can drop the anchor in a storm, we have to realize that we are actually in a storm.

Our minds are constantly throwing out lures - thoughts, urges, memories, or behaviors that promise to help us feel better or give us a sense of control, but that actually get in the way of what matters most. The tricky part? These lures aren't always "negative." They can look like "productive" behaviors that keep us busy, when in reality they are just reinforcing our avoidance of what we need to feel to move forward.

When we bite on these lures, we slowly drift away from the parts of life that actually nurture us. And let’s be honest: when you’re disconnected from what matters to you, life sucks. Acceptance starts with gaining awareness of these lures. By simply naming the lure, you create a tiny bit of space—a gap between the thought and your reaction. In that gap, you have a choice of what to do next.

Values: The "Going West" Compass

When you are in the thick of loss, the future you once planned can feel like it has been erased. To find your way out, you need to understand the difference between a Goal and a Value.

A goal is a destination—something you can cross off a list. But in a crisis, goals often become unreachable, leaving us feeling like we’ve failed. A Value, however, is a direction. I often tell my clients that living by your values is like deciding to "go West." If your value is "going West," you can start right now. You might take a hundred miles of highway, or you might only take two steps. On the journey, you will inevitably find yourself going East to bypass a roadblock, South to find a bridge, or even spinning in circles. Going East for a moment doesn't mean you’ve stopped valuing "West." It just means that, in this moment, the terrain is difficult. Instead of judging yourself for "losing your way," the work is simply to discern the next available opportunity to take even a tiny step back toward the West.

The "Doorknob" Trap: Shifting from Fixing to Living

We can get stuck in grief because we treat it like a household repair. This past weekend, I came home to find a doorknob that needed to be replaced. My Problem-Solving Mind jumped into a five-step plan: go to the store, buy a doorknob, get the tools, remove the old one, install the new one, and then do it again because I definitely did it wrong the first time. Voila! Problem solved.

The trouble is, our minds try to approach the death of a family member or a loss of functioning after a stroke in the exact same way. We think if we can just figure out what we could have done differently, we can avoid pain and suffering in the future.

But these things are not a broken doorknob. There is no hardware store that sells a replacement for a partner’s presence, and no app can "uninstall" a medical diagnosis.

When we treat these deep experiences as problems to be "solved," we end up exhausted because the 5-step plan never reaches the "Voila!" moment. These are not problems to be fixed, but experiences that prompt us to:

• Acknowledge that this is hard, unwanted, and difficult.

• Clarify and recommit to what matters most.

• Chart a new course based on how we want to live our lives today.

  
  

Finding Your Center

Living a meaningful life isn't about having a house where nothing ever breaks; it’s about knowing how to keep moving West even when the doors look different than they used to.

By letting the "beach ball" float, recognizing the "lures" of the problem-solving mind, and picking a direction based on your personal "West," you reclaim your agency. You move from the exhaustion of resistance to congruent, committed actions in your day-to-day life.

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I’m Dr. Weston Donaldson. I help LGBTQ+ adults and older adults navigate these "unsolvable" seasons of life. If you’re tired of trying to fix the unfixable and are ready to start living in alignment with your values again, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can find your center and build a pathway forward that honors your history and your future. Are you ready to stop fighting the storm and start dropping the anchor? Contact me today to schedule a consultation.

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