"When will this end?" The realities of grief.

The dull ache in your chest sharpens when you think of them. When your mind turns to happy memories shared together, you feel a nauseating wave of grief, and a sob you can't quite get out. You wonder: when will I stop feeling this way? Will this grief never end?!

In this post, I want to talk realistically about grief, which touches everyone's life in unique and far-reaching ways.

The Myth of the Linear "Stages of Grief"

In general, our society does grief badly. This is demonstrated by the many people navigating grief unguided, with unrealistic expectations for how they "should" feel, both immediately and after some time. Religious and cultural structures have provided some guidance, while not always being adaptable and personalized to a person's needs and experiences.

We sometimes don't know how to talk about our grief, and so we don't.

We have pop culture and pop psychology ideas floating around about grief that also don't always represent the truths we know about the grieving process. Kübler-Ross's model of grief - initially developed to describe the process of people with terminal illness grieving their own impending death - has been misunderstood and misapplied as a linear "stages of grief" model, setting up expectations that 1) grief is linear and 2) one must go through all the stages, in order.

Instead, we can see those "stages" as themes that are common experiences of grieving, though we don't have to experience all of them or go through them in any particular order for our grief to be "valid."

We have also medicalized grief, putting it in our Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as a rule-out for depression. We seek medication to ease the pain in our hearts. We see grief as a psychological "problem" to be treated.

Grief is Human

If we had no attachments to other people or to our world, we would not grieve. This is a natural part of our human nature. We are only harmed by harboring a subconscious expectation that grief should be "over there" and not touch our lives. Grief lets us know we are feeling, conscious beings with attachments that matter.

Why Every Experience of Grief Feels Different

Sometimes after someone dies, we think, "I've been through this before, I don't know why it's so hard this time." Our connection to a person, the circumstances of their death, our own life circumstances at the time, and our capacity to deal with stress - all of these are dynamic and unique, explaining why we "coped just fine before" and feel devastated now.

It isn't just comparing apples to oranges. Each loss grows out of a completely different emotional landscape—a unique mix of who you were then, who they were to you, and what your life looks like right now.

While our attempts to see experiences of death as the same make sense, this does us a disservice because it ignores the reality of that unique landscape.

This is not to say we do not learn from past losses and prior experiences of grief, because of course we can. Some learnings from the past may apply and be helpful, while in some cases it may feel like entirely new territory.

We Each Grieve in Our Own Way

We all process stressful situations and tender feelings differently. Some of us are external processors and need to talk through it before we can understand ourselves and our reaction. Others grieve quietly, processing the feelings internally. Some of us tend to pull away and isolate, feeling the lost attachment so acutely that we cannot bear any more attachments. Other folx need movement, song, and other arts to express their feelings and honor the loss.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach for grief.

If we can know, accept, and love the way we grieve, that changes the whole thing. We stop trying to make our grief process fit into what we "think" we are "supposed" to do, and instead come closer to an understanding of what works for us.

Grief Has No Timeline

Grief doesn't follow a predictable tide. It's like a rogue wave in the ocean—knocking you off your feet on a random Tuesday morning years later when a specific song plays overhead in the hardware store.

Weeks, months, or years later, we can still feel a loss in a new, even raw way. As linear as our society tends to be, our psyche has not followed suit. Our memories follow an illogical-yet-meaningful flow.

I've had clients say that they "aren't over it yet," or "need more time." My question is: Are we ever truly "over it"? Or does our relationship with grief morph and change over time, while never truly going away?

Though diagnostic criteria mark grief in months and years, how can I tell the grieving people who have lost a significant person in their life "when" they should be feeling better? I don't believe I can.

I believe healing with grief isn't about shrinking the hole left by a death. It's about growing your life around that hole. Grief then shifts from a weight that pins you to the floor to something you carry in your coat pocket—always there, but allowing your hands to be free again.

How Grief Therapy Helps

In my practice, I offer space for my clients to talk about their grief, and find ways to address the blocks and the stuck parts to create more flexibility and reconnect with life in new ways.

The support I offer in therapy focused on grief looks many different ways based on the individualized need, but we often talk about the following:

• Sharing the meaning of the loss, and how it connects (or doesn't) to other losses

• Learning to carry our grief along with us

• Offering oneself kindness and compassion in the hard moments

• Creating more flexibility in our response to a loss

• Finding ways to remain connected to and honor the person who is gone

• Processing sensations and images when grief gets "stuck" in patterns of anxiety, nightmares, or other forms of prolonged stress

I'm not here to sugar-coat the intensity of grief with positive thinking or forced silver linings.

Though their experiences and needs are unique, what I wish for each grieving person is to have the space they need to talk about those things, and to find ways to carry their grief that allow it to soften, opening up new ways of relating to their life experience.

If you are navigating a loss and need a safe, pressure-free space to sit in the raw, messy feelings—and work through the stuck parts together—I invite you to reach out today to schedule a free initial consultation.